In case anyone asks how my training is going, you can post this. :)
> To get in shape for the Avon Breast Cancer 3-day, my boyfriend Rocky
purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though
still in great shape from when I was on the varsity golf team in high
school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it in addition to
my daily walks to and from work.
> I called and made reservations with someone named Carlos, who said he is a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. Carlos seemed
very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
> Day 1 - They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress
this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it
when I arrived at the health club and Carlos was waiting for me. He's
something very close to an Adonis, with blond hair, a dazzling white smile
and rippling muscles all over his hard, young body. He showed me the
machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He seemed a
little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to him in
that outfit of his, with his muscles gleaming from the flourescent lights,
added ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Carlos was very
encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my belly was already aching a little
from holding it in the whole time I was talking to him. This is going to be
> Day 2 - Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Carlos had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air.
Then he put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. His smile made it all worth it.
Muscles feel GREAT!!
> Day 3 - The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I
have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I
didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Carlos was a little
impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club
members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the
invention of elevators? Carlos told me regular exercise would make me live
longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
> Day 4 - Carlos was waiting for me with his vampire teeth in a full snarl.
I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie
my shoes. He wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Carlos, ol' buddy.
The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the women's room
until he sent Lars looking for me. As punishment he made me try the rowing
machine. It sank.
> Day 5 - I hate Carlos more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body
not in extreme pain I would hit him with it. He thought it would be a good
idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Carlos the Cruel
Person, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't
hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU
went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a
science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
> Day 6 - Got Carlos' message on my answering machine, wondering where I am.
I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours of the weather channel.
> Day 7 - Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time
Rocky will give me something a little more fun, like a free upper-colon exam
or gum surgery.
> Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die....