You Can't Get to Heaven

Leader:  Oh the deacon went down,
Group:  Repeat
Leader:  In the cellar to pray,
Group:  Repeat
Leader:  But he got drunk,
Group:  Repeat
Leader:  And he stayed all day,
Group:  Repeat
Everyone:  Oh the deacon went down in the cellar to pray,
                But he got drunk and he stayed all day,

I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.

I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.

I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.

I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.

 

Oh, you can't get to heaven (Oh, you can't to heaven)

On roller skates. (On roller skates.)

You'll roll right by (You'll roll right by)

Those pearly gates. (Those pearly gates.)


Oh, you can't get to heaven on roller skates.

You'll roll right by those pearly gates.

Repeat Chorus


Other verses include:

Oh, you can't get to heaven in a rocking chair

'Cause God don't want no lazybones there

 

Oh, you can't get to heaven on a dance hall floor

'Cause you'll fall right through the devil's trap door


Oh, you can't get to heaven in a an old streetcar

'Cause the streetcar tracks don't go that far.


Oh, you can't get to heaven with powder and paint

'Cause the Lord don't want you as you ain't.


Oh, you can't get to heaven in a limousine

'Cause the Lord don't sell no gasoline.


Oh, you can't get to heaven on a pair of skis

'Cause you'll schuss right through St. Peter's knees.



"That's all there is. There ain't no more,"

St. Peter said, and closed the door.

 


You'll never get to heaven in dirty jeans,

'Cos the Lord don't have no washing machines.



You'll never get to heaven on a bottle of gin,

'Cos the Lord won't let no drunkards in.


Oh, you can't get to heaven if your newly wed

Cause the Lord ain't got no double bed!

 


You'll never get to heaven in a biscuit tin

'Cos the Lord don't let no crummy ones in!



You'll never get to Heaven in [someone's name]'s car

'Cos [someone's name]'s car won't get that far!


You'll never get to Heaven with a dog as a pet

'Cos the Lord ain't got no lamp posts yet!


You'll never get to heaven in a jumbo jet

'Cos the Lord ain't got no runways yet!


You'll never get to heaven in a bottle of gin

'Cos the Lord won't let no spirits in!


You'll never get to heaven in a bottle of whisky

'Cos the Lord don't like his angels frisky!



"And that is all," St Peter said

As he closed the gates and went to bed.